Sunday 10 January 2010

More auditions.

Once again I find myself on the hunt for a new guitarist.

I've been down this road so many times and it's never more frustrating than when with guitarists. Never was their a choice of instrument that defined you less as a person than the 6 string electric guitar. With any other instrument ever made there is a stereo type except the guitar. I've auditioned hundreds of musicians and never had this much trouble.

Musicians in general are a conundrum. I've often likened us to homeless people. Even successful musicians have been known to dig through dumpsters looking for gear or play a gig for a half eaten sandwich. We steal stuff (cables mostly), we skip out on bill wherever we can, do anything for money. You might disagree with me on the money issue, I know I know it's about the music to you and money isn't anything, but answer this honestly. As soon as any amount of money, or other compensation for your time in introduced into the equation how much further are you suddenly willing to go. We're pitiful really.

Drummers for instance, there tend to be two types. Either the energetic but well balanced nicest guys in the world, if a little flakey. Or they're all out maniacs, starting fights, eating glass or jumping out of vehicles at high speeds. I've played with both types it's always an adventure. Both types tend to be very fidgety, always tapping or got something going on. I put it down to the playing of their instrument, how would you be if you spend 3 hours a night bashing things.

Audition wise drummers are easy to filter. They either have a kit or they don't, that pretty much tells me whether it's worth the time or not. See if a drummer has their own kit then they're at least serious enough about it to have gone to the trouble of purchasing one. I've shopped for drum kits before and believe me, it ain't easy. If they've gone to all that trouble AND are willing to cart it around then they can probably hold a decent beat.

Keyboardists are the nerds, the perfectionists. It's all theory and precision with them. They tend to be very organized educated people. I've not known many keyboardist but have always had problems with them critiquing my improvisational playing style.

Keyboardists are hard to audition because they always have so much gear. Any they don't use any of it either. You spend 30 minutes hauling in and setting £3500 worth of keyboards, stands, pedals and midi sequencers only for them to refuse to play a song telling you 'I can't play that, I have one of those but I left it at home.' There's also the fact the most keyboardists can play other instruments as well, often better than you can, and they've rarely shy about it.

Bassists are a different breed, we're usually the losers of the band (sorry fellow bassists but it's true). We're often wrecks of human beings, we're the geeks, the un-cool designed to be in the background, to blend in. We're only playing the bass out of necessity, we wanted to play something else. I've never met a true bassist, I don't even thing they exist. As any bass player if it was their first instrument choice and I'll be they say 'No I wanted to play guitar but...' 'we needed a bass.' 'I couldn't handle 6 strings.' etc etc. We're on the bass because we failed at what we wanted to do. Don't get me wrong I love the bass. Love it. It wasn't my first choice, in fact it wasn't my third, but I'll never turn back. Sure I still play guitar here and there and other instruments but none of them inspire me the way the bass does.

I can't comment on bassists because I've never auditioned any, but I've heard stories of greasy comb-overs and two fingers on one string playing. What I can tell you is that you should avoid a bassist that doesn't have his own car. If he doesn't have a car then at some point he's not going to have a home either. There's a joke that goes, 'What do you call a bassist who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.' If they don't own their own car then they that joke applies.

But guitarists are undefinable because everyone plays the guitar, or wants to, and everyone who can play any sort of recognizable tune on the guitar seems to feel that they're of professional standard.

There's few telling signs with guitarists until they walk in through the door. It's frustrating because you never know what to expect. You've got several types.

Bedroom guitarists. These are largely the guitarists I have a problem with. These are the guys that have dabbled in bands, often with their friends in school, learned a few songs, played for a few birthday parties and call it gigging experience. One day they decide the want to join a band, despite not having picked up their guitar in 6 months and answer my ad.

Vintage guitarists. Often great players, but inflexible in every way. They will have one or two guitars that spends most of their time in pieces and the amp that time forgot. These guys consider themselves purists and detest modern guitar technology. What's troublesome about them is that they're A: Never quite happy about their sound or gear. B: Constantly picking out flaws in your sound or gear. They show up and educate you on what each piece of equipment does, where they got it and how much it was, then justify the noise or feedback as a small price to pay for that vintage sound.

Lead guitarists. These are the ones you hear about the most. Eccentric, egomaniacs that was nothing more than to be the best and everyone know it. This of course says nothing for their over all ability so more often than not is a burden when held against what kind of person they are.

So here I go. Off to audition the second in what I fear will be a long line.